I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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