All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
