Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
