It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
