My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
