Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
