I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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