there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
