this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
