how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
