My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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