I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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