I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
