I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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