Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
