If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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