it was like his penis was on wheels.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think your dad took our porno
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
