what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
