Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
