I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
