I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
People in love make me want to vomit
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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