Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
