Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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