every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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