he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
