I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
