I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize