i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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