I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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