i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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