we made out on top of his cat.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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