my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
