My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
