I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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