She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
