I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
