Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
