I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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