Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
