i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
