Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We talked him into tasing himself.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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