i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
