forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
