I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
