we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
