So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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