I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
