Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
