I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
