I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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