I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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