Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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