Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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