Christians are straight up FREAKS
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
