You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
