I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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