Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
